The Biggest Reason Why Couples Fight & How to Work with it

Padma Ali, LMFT, CPCC
5 min readNov 1, 2020


Do you know the biggest reason why couples fight? And no, it’s not money or sex.

It’s chores!

Research has shown that 50% of fights between couples who have kindergarten age children are about chores! And, if you have kids and you’re in a relationship…then you know, right? Of course that’s why couples fight the most! Well…

Have you wondered why it is that couples fight about chores?

But, guess what — it’s not actually about the chores! It’s about how you value your own self, your beliefs about yourself, and communication. Those are the three main reasons why couples fight about chores. This isn’t meant to absolve your partner of their responsibilities. But, it is the primary reason why there’s a lot of sources of conflict around chores.

Let me explain.

Most women undervalue themselves. There’s often a belief that you have to be the caretaker. This could come from how you were raised. It might be how your mother and grandmother did it. But, there ends up being a lot of giving without filling up your own cup and that’s because you don’t value yourself.

What happens is you give and give and give, which leaves you depleted, and then you begin to feel resentful towards your partner.

Now, think about this. What happens when you feel resentful?

Have you ever considered that when you feel resentful, you become a victim? And, being a victim leaves you feeling disempowered. When you feel disempowered, what are you able to do?


So, you have to decide. Do you want to feel disempowered and do nothing? Or, do you want to create a change in your life by really digging deep into this and feeling more empowered?

I’m going to give you information on how you can dig deep on this so stay with me. I’m going to break it down for you. If you find you need a little more you can schedule a call with me to see if we’re a good fit to work together.

Let’s take a deeper look:

Question #1: Who is responsible for how you feel in your relationship?

Question #2: Who asked you to take on that role of being a caretaker?

The answer is YOU.

You’re not alone. A lot of women do it — I have done it! But, no one has asked you to take on that role. You take it on because you feel the need to do that and then resentment sets in because your cup is not full. Again, this is not to absolve your partner of their responsibility. But, the bottom line is you have no control over what your partner does or doesn’t do. You are the one wanting it. You’re the change-maker.

The fact that you’re still reading, tells me that you want to create change in your life.

In some ways, that means you have to be the instigator of change in your relationship. You’re the visionary in the relationship. You have that role, so you are the one who can take the relationship to the next level. It starts with you. All you have control over is you.

When you are resentful, chances of your partner doing the thing you ask of them, is going to be very slim. And, even if they do it, it will not be sustainable. Meaning you’ll be back to feeling resentment in a matter of no time at all. That’s a huge reason why couples fight about chores!

So you may be wondering, what does work?

There’s a way to ask for your needs but this can only come when you introspect and ask yourself what your needs are. Try asking yourself why you constantly put yourself at the bottom of the totem pole.

It comes down to beliefs. What beliefs do you have about your relationships? What beliefs do you have about shared responsibilities? Most of all, do you value yourself?

So, do you see how it comes back around to those three things I mentioned at the beginning? Once you get clear about how you value yourself and your beliefs about your relationships then you can see how to communicate your needs. This is the vital piece. How to communicate. Most people are not taught how to communicate effectively. This is something I’m going to be teaching more about in the bootcamp and in my group programs. I often teach a lot about how to communicate effectively because a lot of us are not taught to do that.

Let me ask you this?

Think about a time when you have asked your partner for something, with vulnerability. Sharing with them how you’re feeling and exactly what you want — have they done it for you? The answer is probably yes! That can only happen when you get clear about what’s happening on the inside and the blame and resentment comes to an end.

The bottom line is, I have done it, many of my clients have done it. This is what we do! We fall down and then we get back up and say, “This is not working!”. We ask ourselves, “How do I change this?”, “How do I do this differently?”.

I can tell you it works. If you can get in touch with your beliefs, if you can see whether or not they are working for you. And, if they aren’t working for you, if you can let them go and adopt new beliefs. When there’s clarity around what you want, it will all start to fall into place.





Padma Ali, LMFT, CPCC

Master Coach for Evolved Executives. Love brain psychology & ancient wisdom. Podcaster. Live your highest potential. Open channel for divine inspiration. Mom.